founddevotion

     I believe it's about time I began shifting my focus in another direction, as I am unnecessarily distracting myself with dreams of something that can probally not exist.  It's taking away from me, this knack of mine, for falling in love.  I need to branch out and begin changing the things in my life that I am displeased with.  I am newly divorced, I have everything to look forward to.  I have choices, I have my life to live.  I've added a few new "vows" to my list of ways to live:
     I've decided to no longer eat after 7 pm, except on certain occasions (dates, whatever)  I am hoping that in doing so I will see a dramatic decline in my weight as from what I understand is likely to happen with doing so. 
     Ok i had a few, but i tottally forgot them ~~ is unable to concentrate~~ i think it's my decision to no longer take lexapro that is getting me alittle anxious.

      i've done much thinking, and i feel as if it is difficult to say that one can know another's soul.  i mean, what we can know of another soul is simply what that soul is willing to give.  We can mislead ourselves, and pretend we know eachother.  But we probally don't.  Glimpses is all.  
     Sometimes it is difficult being a mere slut.-  You know? i'd love to one day be a slave.  i don't know when it will happen, or Who it will happen with. :breathes: but i am certain i could be happy being a slave.  It will be difficult to find Him.  He is going to have to be pretty impressive.  i've tasted what is out there, and my search will always be to find the Master who makes me feel the way i felt with Him.  i don't think He'll ever make me His slave.  i am okay with that, i am okay with being whatever He wants me to be.  slut.  glad to be of use. :sighs: how did i ever become so self destructive? It's okay though, i am happy when i am around Him.  This is all that matters.  Happiness, rare moments of it in my cloudy life where i take Lexapro and hope for the best. Okay, so my life isn't that cloudy, i am being pretty dramatic actually.  But i do suffer sometimes.  
     my life has actually only improved when i finally had the courage to divorce my second husband.  He is a scary man.  Indiana Redneck who believes women are best at home washing dishes and taking care of children.  :sighs: it wasn't so much that as his severe alcohol addiction and his extremely fearful temper, amongst other things.. i would try everyday not to upset him, simply because when he got upset it meant the day would be him going on and on and also him sometimes acting out in a rage, breakng something, tearing door frames out, whipping meat at me.. the coffee in the face,,hurting me, etc etc etc etc etc etc.  i didn't have to do anything though to upset him. i could simply walk in a room, look at him wrong.  he didn't love me.  he acted like i was the worst thing he ever encountered in his life.  i was very afraid of him.  i don't know why i didn't leave him the minute i seen him.  :cries: He has always disgusted me.  the first day.. 
i was so lost.  where was i truly? i left the comfort of my apartment with my first husband who paid the bills and etc to live with a bipolar monster who couldn't hold a job down.  i HATED my life with him.  i think i was close to suicidal thoughts when i was with him.  Actually i had a few while i was with him.  my son being the only reason for keeping myself alive.  Leaving him was the best decision of my life.  i thank the Goddess for giving me the courage,  the strength, the stamina, the will to leave him and dismiss him from my existence.  i thank Her for giving me my son.. from this darkness came light.   my happiness, my joy in life..
     i understand what i want in my life now.  i am not simply going to fall for a man because he thinks he's a gift to women. :laughs: i am very choosy, despite my playful, flirtatious demeanor and my rare, but nonetheless mishaps with men.  i am human.  Do i want to be taken? yes... :sighs:  i hope i am found.                       

     ...................i cant' get motivated.................

     He's invaded my mind for sure.  In certain aspects of my life i act differently than i might have if He weren't around.  i have no other interest in other men right now.  i stop before i write a reply to a Dominant on collarme.  i feel guilty if i've accidently led some guy on and now he won't leave me alone.  It's like truly i think i really just want to be available to Him if he wants me.  But i admit, i do tend to bask in attention and guys tend to get mislead.  i've always felt that i wasn't loyal as my sun sign Sagitarrius supposedly is.  However, with Him, i feel this sense of loyalty, obligation to always be real and who i am with Him. i feel like with Him i can be myself.  It's such a rush, being in His presence.  i enter some other dimension and forget who i am and become only what He wants me to be. :sighs: He leads me, i follow.  i have no power, no control..   i am completely at His mercy.   i pretend i am in control when i am in his presence, but inside i am grasping to keep my balance.  Hiding behind the facade that He doesn't make me tremble and my heart ache.  Brave in face of His demands, only to be frozen , fearful to what His next whim may be.  How far will He go? What can i handle? He's going to hurt me in this.. i am aware of this, on some level.. on many.  Will he be gentle? Will He shred my soul along with the rest of me?

    When i look in His eyes i see something i've never seen in anyone else. Indescribable truly.   He is One i've been searching for long before i knew i was searching.  He definently has godlike qualities which is why it's so easy to submit to Him.  i'm willing to go where He wants me,  to deny this would be a lie.  Though in my confusion i sometimes wonder of it all.  This amazing Dom, certainly there are flaws He has, He is human afterall. :sighs: How can i be so willing to His demands? Does He truly want me? i am nothing really to Him... nothing.  Just someone He fucks when He desires.  Just a slut for His use when He wants me. i am so sensitive. i must get over this desire to communicate with him daily.  it's okay to not  talk with Him everyday.  Whenever He calls me is fine;   i know He prefers for me to remain silent until He speaks.   Was it only this morning He sent me back? It feels so long ago.  His energy is very intense,  i feel sometimes like He is intentionally stealing pieces of me one at a time.  He makes me lightheaded, He is almost like a drug.  i am lost around Him. 

     W/we entered His place and He immediately began pacing around me in a frightening sort of way.  No problem, deep breaths, don't do anything that might upset Him further.   i thought on the reasons for His displeasure and felt guilty. my actions  totally unworthwhile for this to have resulted.   i hated the reaction my misdeeds had caused in Him.  i wasn't even enjoying myself..   He collars me and it's tight and alittle uncomfortable, but i say nothing.  i stand there unable to look him in the eye and somehow feeling entirely exposed, as if He can scan my thoughts.  i wonder how i could have been so foolish and vow to myself to swear off men entirely, because none can compare to Him.  i begin to feel alittle dizzy in His presence and listen to Him rant alittle.  He wanders around a bit, smokes with me and tells me to go stand in the kitchen.  i do, feeling helpless, not sure of whats to come, feeling nervous and He grabs a leash and attaches it to my collar and tells me we are going for a walk.  A walk? i wonder uncertainly.. what does He mean.. a walk? To the attic? But He has His jacket on.. Well this surely cannot be. i think with slight amusement that He must be playing a joke with me.  However with each step down the stairs i begin to realize that He is serious about this.  i instinctively move slower and then as He drags me out the door i grab for the doorway and ask Him if He is truly serious about this? :sighs: He is serious, yes... what am i to do? Run? Where can i run to? i am not familiar with Wicker Park, i am not familiar with Chicago.  i am completely subjected to  this degradation, and so i follow Him.  i follow Him because i want to be a good girl, i follow Him because it is impossible not to.  He is walking fast, at least it seems so to me and i am struggling to keep with His pace.  i hide my face in vain as the cars drive by and look down as a lady with a cute little dog walks by.  i felt strangely sympathetic for the dog. i also felt very owned, as the dog must feel.  i felt a rush of happiness in being so owned and felt a stirring of freedom inside.  i wanted to be His good girl, yes, His good girl.  Three fourths of way back to His place i felt more at ease, and walking next to Him in Wicker Park on a leash felt very natural and i felt peace being with Him.. what happened next is another entry altogether

     i am very pleased to announce that the judge was completely and totally on my side and that my ex didn't have a chance.  The first words out of his mouth was that he wanted to lengthen the divorce for as long as possible. :laughs: obviously wrong choice of words as the judge was thoroughly disgusted.  The judge asked him why and my ex stated : "I guess you didn't recieve my letter" to which the judge responded: "Yes i did, but it has no bearings.  People send me letters all the time.  The facts are this divorce was filed in September and you still don't have your parenting class certificate. If you want to see your son you must have the certificate etc etc etc. " He then informed us the next courtdate the divorce would be finalized with or without his certificate.  So yes , everything is going quite as planned and i thank the Goddess for her guidance throughout this process in my life.  I felt so free walking away from my ex, no longer can he hurt me, afftect my life.  :sighs happily: it is all so lovely and wonderful and if i was told two years ago i'd be here today, independent of him and no longer subjected to his abuse and endless things that make me want to shoot myself when i was with him i would not have believed it.  i don't take his calls, i ignored him and refused to ride the elevator down with him after the courtdate.  i love that he has no control over my lfie anymore, i never belonged to him.  i can read people and what i read on him was fear and regret and lol acquiescence to the situation as it is.   It's over it's over it's over

     Unfortunately today around 1 i picked another pack up and haven't stopped since. :sighs: well i did try. kind of? i can always try again tommorrow.  i attained the money for it by returning a dress that didn't fit quite right.. i know it's sad right?  i am finally beginning to feel alittle uneasy about 9:00 am tommorrow morning  when i have to face my bipolar ex. in the courtroom.  With luck, as of tommorrow i will be divorced, but i have a feeling it will get postponed for some reason like him not taking his parenting class, or him causing some real drama. :sigh: Will he not leave me be? i have enough on my mind as it is, i do not need him interferring in my life.  There is simply no room, and no time, and no energy that i can afford to waste on any aspect of his existence.  i am thoroughly convinced my life would be much more enjoyable if i didn't have to deal with him. 
      i am also concerned about what to expect when i go to Chicago tommorrow and see Him..  i mean it's alittle uncomfortable seeing someone after suffering through the unpleasantness of a druken phone call that was made not by myself, but by a very opinionated drunken person that had little to do with me except that she never hung up the phone after she left him a voicemail. Horrifying, especially since i cannot remember exactly everything i said, because i didn't realize it would be broadcasted to the very person that is not supposed to hear such thoughts.  i can vaguely remember how things started, only that i was questioned about my dating situation and i being open and honest and always forever speaking what's on my mind begun speaking of my absolute happiness being with Someone in particular, and the people around me, being as most are, negative in their assumptions and unable to allow someone to be joyous and lighthearted and carefree only to be told what exactly is happening and what i should or shouldn't do, etc.  ok i apologize for that comment about most people being negative, and i realize the error in such a statement and how i too can fit that mold exactly as well with my very criticism of "people" in general.  (i have no idea) i'm tired and beginning to ramble.  Tommorrow :sigh:

     This morning after i finally was able to sleep after 4 or so sometime i had this really vivid dream,   i was in Chicago and i was lost.  There were lots of like spinning moments where i would suddenly recognize the towering buildings and feel completely more at a loss of which way to go to get to the place where i had to be.  i can't remember the characters exactly within my dream, but that at some point i was running, but it was more like a free kind of easy relaxed run, except that i was running desperately trying to find where i was going.  i can't remember if something was chasing me, but i have the impression that although i was running towards something i was also trying to flee something else i believe.   i can remember being  nervous about something.
      i haven't felt well the past few days.  i think my body is trying to detoxify, however my habits lately have kept me in a perpetual state of unhealthiness.  i am smoking way too much, i spent my check so i have no money left for fruits,vegetables, nuts or seeds.  i'm not getting enough sleep.  i'm tired of my job and need to begin searching for another.  i am slightly (extremely)  stressed that i have my courtdate on wednesday and have to deal with my ex's wrath. :sighs:  There are other reasons for my distressed state...i'd love to sleep for 48 hours escape it. Not to mention i can no longer move in with my friend who i was supposed to room with due to his sudden revelation that he wants to make me his wife so i can have his children (i think i'm going to vomit).  It's pretty dissapointing and slightly offensive that he would think that just because i'm a single mother i'm going to want a life as that.  I am not even divorced yet from my former ex whom i ran through thorns to get away from and i have this man  telling me i need to think about a father figure for my son and that he could be it. :sighs: What makes people think that i can't raise my son fine on my own without a man in my life?  It's entirely possible for my son to grow up well and happy without me chaining myself to a life of misery with an ordinary man who will do ordinary things and make me suffer an ordinary life. He actually told me that if i didn't find a man to take care of me and my son that i would live a very unhappy life.  That my son would grow up wild and out of control, etc. Whatever~ fuck that~ don't people see that i do not need to be led by their learned ideas and feelings of how life should be? i have my ideas, i see my future and where i want to go.  i'll get there, and i'll be happy.. to be continued.. need cigarette~ s
     I have about five cigarettes left and i will no longer be smoking.  Of course this is never the ideal situation to go about quitting.  Before i became broke i tried to buy some nicotene gum and was actually too young to do so.  Some new law that you have to be at least 27 to buy it.  Apparently the stuff is pretty bad.  So i feel blessed that i didn't spend forty bucks on a box of gum that will keep me holding onto nicotene anyway.  i plan on using tea as my defense against the unpleasantness of withdrawal.  i have some loose green tea that i'm going to try to make last till next payday. My goal is to detoxify,.  i actually feel better the less i eat, so i am going with that.  Also i cannot afford an organic pineapple, or apple for that matter and it is much better not to think of some organic greens i can juice to help my skin glow. :sigh: pout;: i guess i didn't have to spend two hundred bucks on a corset and lingerie i haven't recieved yet.  Well worth it though.:smiles:
     The longer i am a vegetarian the more i see the reason for it.  i hate ringing up meat to people in my store, and i wish i could express to them the error of their ways. i also hate looking in my parents fridge and seeing meat everywhere.  it's reallly insane actually.  i am looking at a fridge full of dead things.  i feel sick and i feel like crying but i can't do anything about it. i can' only promise myself that i will never consume another creature for as long as i exist on this rapidly deterioriating planet.  
     i am also feeling the need to kind of isolate myself for awhile from my "friends".  It's just not working for me, the time it takes from my life.  i haven't found anyone that i am truly friends with anyway.  Coworkers fail to have the same interests, and usually dont' understand your beliefs and why you are the way you are.  The drama sometimes feels like i am back in highschool dealing with the same kind of situations, but in a different way.  Becoming a raw foods chef on the side is going to be time consuming as it is.  And school.. i have to get on that.. i really want to study nutrition. i could be who i am in that field i believe. i am going to stay at my parents for the time being until i am able to afford to live on my own, maybe find a roommate who has a child in the same situation as myself or whatever.  Somewhere far away from Joliet, Illinois.  A place lacking what i need to live a truly enriched life.
   Have to get ready for work tonight.  4:15-12:15~fun